I have so much to say and so little motivation to say it. Things to do, but no energy. My to-do list grows exponentially every day that I neglect it until it becomes so overwhelming that it makes my anxiety skyrocket and makes my depression even more debilitating. I’ve never been a procrastinator. What is going on?
Oh, right…. I have clinical depression and it is kicking my butt.
I was raised by parents who taught me to push through anything. “Nothing can stop you if you work hard.” Mental health wasn’t something we talked about. My dad would shut down any time I cried and my Mom generally loved me through it but didn’t know how to help. This was not a parenting flaw, it was just the way our culture was. Depression and anxiety and mental health disorders were all “in your head” and you just got past it. Despite decades of this being beat into my skull, I eventually learned that it just isn’t something to “get through.”
I’m grateful for the medical professionals who have figuratively held my hand as I’ve discussed my trauma and feelings. I’m grateful for modern medicine though we haven’t quite found the right combination of chemicals to balance this wonky brain out. I am grateful to friends and family who have supported me through the brain fog that is starting out and switching anti-depressants. I am grateful for this incredible team of women (East Idaho Moms) that understands when I tell them I’m struggling. They have been incredible friends and coworkers and they share in my passion to bring moms together even when I just want to do it from my couch in pajamas because I’m terrified to meet people face-to-face. I am grateful for this platform we have built where it is ok to say that this sucks. I am grateful to mental health advocates who spoke out in person and on social media and for those who continue to fight to bring mental health out of stigmatization.
THANK YOU for being my voice when I didn’t have one and for forging a path to make it easier for me to ask for help.
Even now, I’m afraid to admit that there is something “wrong” with me. But there is. My brain chemistry isn’t performing typically. There’s no shame in that. I mean, if a bone in my body was out of alignment and causing problems, I wouldn’t need to be ashamed of it. I would simply do whatever possible to align it and move on with my life.
Why is mental health treated so differently?
As I write this, I realize it isn’t a beautifully written piece. The punctuation is lacking and the sentences don’t speak in my usually clear voice. I realize I’m a mother and wife and business owner and speaking about my failures isn’t maybe the most “PC” thing to do, but I am nothing if not transparent. I don’t have advice. I generally try to provide some golden nuggets of information or some sort of resolution, but not this time. I will keep pushing through and embrace the good days and try to give myself grace on the bad ones. The rest of the days are just kind of MEH right now and that is going to have to be ok.