Dear Firstborn: It’s hard for me too.
We brought your little brother home from the hospital today. I have hopes of you two being best friends. I know you will be a wonderful big brother. But on this first day at home as a family of four, you’re struggling.
I’m struggling too, my boy. I wasn’t prepared for the emotions I’m experiencing. I didn’t know when I lifted you out of your crib two mornings ago that it would be the last time we would have morning snuggles with just the two of us.
When I let you sit on my lap last week to drive to the neighbor’s house, I wasn’t thinking about having to pack two kids in the car soon instead of just one.
I wish I would have walked you to the park more often this summer, I know you love the swings.
I had planned to have all my attention on you for the last 9 months, but a lot of my attention was turned towards my own physical discomfort throughout my pregnancy. I know you would have enjoyed more outside time.
I have had so much fun these last few months watching you grow and learn. You learn so much every day! My favorite word that you say right now is “goose”. Your voice is my favorite sound.
You don’t know this, but I’ve spent the last month looking at every photo and video of you from the first few weeks of your life. You were so small. I truly can’t believe how fast you’ve grown. I loved your newborn stage and I love who you are now. I am in awe at how quickly my baby grew. I’ve been feeling sad lately that you will never be that small again.
I love your little brother with my whole heart. You will warm up to him too! Newborn babies are so sweet and snuggly. I’m laying here on the couch holding him and smelling his amazing newborn scent. I love it.
At the same time, I miss just you and me. You are my best bud! I didn’t expect my heart to expand like it has to make room for your brother. And I didn’t anticipate that my heart would simultaneously be shattered at the thought of our alone time together being over.
I’m going to miss it. I’m so thankful you were my firstborn child. You hold a massive space in my heart. Being your mommy is the best thing I’ve ever been.
I know today was hard for you. You cried a lot. You were a little avoidant but also clingy. You were sad when your daddy went to the store. I saw the stress in your eyes. I wish you weren’t sad. I know this will pass soon and you won’t even remember the Mommy and Sawyer days. But I will remember. And I already miss it.